This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
