just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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