I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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