is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
