I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
