i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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