I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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