He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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