He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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