I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
