mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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