I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
