how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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