you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
