I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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