life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
