what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
