There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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