Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
