you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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