Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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