I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
