I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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