you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
