Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
