Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
