You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
