i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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