You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
