The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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