I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
