You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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