Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
