In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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