Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Randomize
