He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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