Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
