I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
