The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
