mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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