Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
