It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
