Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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