I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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