if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
