So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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