get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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