Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
