note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The Olympian is in my bed
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
