I love black thongs
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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