I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
