i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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